today i woke up to chris yu jumping on me.
then he and brooke left for bike training.
i've recently moved out of the house
it's so much better now
after they left i took off my clothes,
had a cigarette,
and started listening to those stupid, hopeful, romantic, whiny
love songs.
i think all these guys are full of shit.
they act like they care,
but it's all a big facade.
they know what to say
they never really care, you only think that they do.
"hold your breath,
tonight will be the night that i fall for you,
i won't live to see another day,
because a girl like you's impossible to find..."
ha
hope she didn't hold her breath because she'd be dead by now.
sorry to be cynical,
actually i'm not sorry.
sorry i said i was sorry when i didn't mean it.
they only want you around as temporary filler
like the toothpaste you stick in the holes in the walls
i wish i didn't feel this way
i wish i was still hopeful that someday someone would sweep me off my feet
and be my prince charming
but that's not gonna happen
nope
someone prove my cynical sentiments wrong,
please
humans are incapable of true love.
we can only exhibit what we think is love
but all it really is is some long drawn out infatuation or lust
real, pure love can only come from God, so why do we even try.
i'm gonna go drink soy milk
drown myself in that blue carton, always the best option
ps don't call me sweetheart if you don't really mean it
and you don't
so don't
i might not feel this way later, today even, but for now, i'm pessimistic
yesterday i:
-"dropped it" so hard that i ripped my pencil skirt
-wore a paper plate on my face as a mask
today i:
-spilled a whole glass of soy milk all over me
-laughed out loud at a text while sitting alone, and was caught
-accidentally sprayed myself in the face with the hose while trying to water the garden
-locked myself in my bathroom
i just noticed that one of my fish has died
her name was pearl
i'm actually a bit shaken up
& i'm afraid to fish her out of the bowl
it's too weird looking at her
poor thing
she was beautiful
even if she was just a silly goldfish, with a huge belly, that waddled
she was beautiful in her own little way
the way she wasn't solid orange but had little which polka dot
and her big black eyes like little oil droplets
the other fish don't even notice
sometimes i think it would be nice to be a gold fish
death isn't sad, you just go long with your life
but at the same time
they live a forgotten life
not only one that people forget
but one that they do as well
and where would we be without our memories and experiences
they are what make us who we are right this very second
i take back my comment about wanting to be a goldfish
i want a cigarette now
i don't have any
i'll just have a glass of soy milk
and read interview with the vampire
yum
my name is hannah
this seemed like a good idea
but then again, most things seem like a good idea at 4:00am
i don't really know what to do...i guess i'll just spit me onto this,
me...rambling:
i have issues, but doesn't everyone?
i'm not trying to find myself
but create myself. one day at a time.
for some reason, i feel as i've never been so lucid.
everything looks so different at 4:00 in the morning
not only around me, but also in my head
everything is illuminated and visible
like when you're in a new town
and you notice everything,
things that you later find yourself overlooking as you become accustomed to them
i wish i could always feel this way.
i feel like a snake, that has just shed it's skin
new
vulnerable
and as if i've shed something
probably some inhibition, since i need sleep
i tend to be a people pleaser, usually
& that can get my into trouble
& confuse who i am sometimes
i'm trying to learn to surrender
but it's hard, when i'd rather be in control
--i tend to morph--
