someone said...

"that girl is the only reason anyone does anything anymore"

smile

not a fairy tale

late, or early 

i'll bring the scissors  

you bring the heat 

they'll be only our eyes, so

they'll be no puppeteer 

because we don't have strings 

you're a real boy 

they're gone 

to the south and to the north and then later some east 

all packed up 

intellectualism and sleep goes great with their whiskey and racket 

rolling away

for the thrill

nausea

so much
so fast
blurry
color
trust
too much
i get sick
too easy
fear? naw
typical
on my part
writing
to throw up
this is me
throwing up
whatever
dismiss
see you next
i have work to do
don't trip
i mean do
i mean

"no longer easy on the eyes"

they're leaving 

and don't notice 

they're forgetting 

me

till they come back 

or remember 

i'll stay and hope, it was a accident   

this is not pretty or thought out

i came home to the smell of cookies baking, 

after a stressful day, there's almost nothing better 

gooey and delicious, oh gosh, 

i ate 4.... ok 5..... alright fine 6.  

and with each bite melted away my stressful day 

and night to come 

oh i'm not going to sleep tonight 

but for now, maddie's playing softly and i can't ask for anything more lovely, or relaxing 

and i had some cookies 

so i'm smiling amidst the everything 

i'm going to go to the library, i hate it there

stark white walls and scowls.

my weekend was almost worth saying it was great 

except for situation i'd rather not be in 

some people don't think. 

no i don't want to be across the table from you while you're on a date... with one of my friends (i thought we talked about this, she said she wouldn't.... typical) 

you think that'd be common sense right 

hmm well it's not, 

not for anyone but ME apparently

and i didn't get to see some people i really wanted to and haven't in over a week, new friends missed. 

breathe hannah breathe... 

i have maddie's songs and cookies to keep me company 

hide

matresses, boxes, progress

feeling incomplete 

like there's something out there that everyone else gets 

and i missed it 

i was probably late the day they told everyone 

i was busy 

getting good at nothing tangible 

nothing worth taking note of 

[oh i'm goin places right?]

and playing dress up with all the frills 

that's where i was

when everyone else was learning how it works 

how not to cry 

how to let yourself feel

so it doesn't build up until it's too much

and you just sink into your mattress 

swallowed by everything you were holding in a little box in the back 

that box wasn't as much of a fail safe way to deal as was thought 

that was the day that everyone learned how to wait to touch 

and how to put your eggs in a couple of baskets instead of one

one that screws you over 

how to make friends and not be afraid 

of people 

stupid baskets... mattresses, boxes, dress up, feelings 

oh lordy that sounds frivolous 

sometimes, why do i try.... i want pizza  

guess letting myself hurt sometimes 

can almost be good... i feel something now 

i almost forgot what it was like 

to have something sweep over you 

take over your body 

being out of your own control and in the control of the intangible 

scary 

but maybe 

progress 

1000 journals

"we were all creative people at one point of our lives, now we go to work [or school] and sit in traffic... what happened?"

breaking in

so many things remind me of "that time" 

you know, the time when _________

(you fill in the blank) 

lines on the freeway 

dark hills up ahead  

that painting

the smell of smoke

he writes like you 

but not what you would write 

edited so long ago 

when i tie a bow in my hair 

or lay down absorbing the sun 

remembering 

notes 

choices

days spent on the couches 

oh to live, i remember 

that time... constant reminders 

"i'm getting rid of everything i own,

want some goggles or a party hat?"

certain glasses 

bathrooms 

board games 

free minds

your singing again 

lost times  

living for now or whatever we find 

oh what is to live 

half-cut

to be near the half-cut smiles

so much truth 

so many decisions 

made 

as to the state 

of mind.

but not me 

the good 'ol days are today, i learned

sometimes we like to think back on "when it was so good" 

but you know what, 

right now can be just as good, 

if we let it,

now,

lets let it be great! 

warmer

recently i've been writing in short, and i think this one is going to be slightly more lengthy 

tonight my faith in something higher was restored or at least revitalized  

thanks to something that weekly i'm finding amazing 

something that's seeming to  speak volumes into my life 

and making me want to try.... for something 

1 corinthians 6:19-20 

i feel silly putting a bible verse 

but look at it 

as for me, i am not my own

i need to remember that 

and now, i want to. (remember) 

also tonight 

i stung a little 

but i dulled the sting and then turned it into joy and laughter and dancing 

i thank my friends 

that notice 

and care 

thank you 

.........

i noticed God there 

naked souls lead me to joy

rejuvenation 

notes

i want to write notes 

but i don't have my little yellow paper anymore 

i'm afraid you might not know it's me... 

you said you kept the last one 

but you said a lot of things 

that you didn't actually mean 

put your mind away

all of the dancing 

didn't melt sadness like him 

he would fill the room 

book filled with stories 

mysterious times to come 

my anchor ain't here 

put on your disguise 

smile like there is no wrong 

with breaking heart chords 

a dismal thought

if you don't let yourself feel 

then nothing hurts