smile
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 20, 2009
not a fairy tale
Friday, March 13, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
nausea
so much
so fast
blurry
color
trust
too much
i get sick
too easy
fear? naw
typical
on my part
writing
to throw up
this is me
throwing up
whatever
dismiss
see you next
i have work to do
don't trip
i mean do
i mean
so fast
blurry
color
trust
too much
i get sick
too easy
fear? naw
typical
on my part
writing
to throw up
this is me
throwing up
whatever
dismiss
see you next
i have work to do
don't trip
i mean do
i mean
Monday, March 9, 2009
"no longer easy on the eyes"
this is not pretty or thought out
i came home to the smell of cookies baking,
after a stressful day, there's almost nothing better
gooey and delicious, oh gosh,
i ate 4.... ok 5..... alright fine 6.
and with each bite melted away my stressful day
and night to come
oh i'm not going to sleep tonight
but for now, maddie's playing softly and i can't ask for anything more lovely, or relaxing
and i had some cookies
so i'm smiling amidst the everything
i'm going to go to the library, i hate it there
stark white walls and scowls.
my weekend was almost worth saying it was great
except for situation i'd rather not be in
some people don't think.
no i don't want to be across the table from you while you're on a date... with one of my friends (i thought we talked about this, she said she wouldn't.... typical)
you think that'd be common sense right
hmm well it's not,
not for anyone but ME apparently
and i didn't get to see some people i really wanted to and haven't in over a week, new friends missed.
breathe hannah breathe...
i have maddie's songs and cookies to keep me company
matresses, boxes, progress
feeling incomplete
like there's something out there that everyone else gets
and i missed it
i was probably late the day they told everyone
i was busy
getting good at nothing tangible
nothing worth taking note of
[oh i'm goin places right?]
and playing dress up with all the frills
that's where i was
when everyone else was learning how it works
how not to cry
how to let yourself feel
so it doesn't build up until it's too much
and you just sink into your mattress
swallowed by everything you were holding in a little box in the back
that box wasn't as much of a fail safe way to deal as was thought
that was the day that everyone learned how to wait to touch
and how to put your eggs in a couple of baskets instead of one
one that screws you over
how to make friends and not be afraid
of people
stupid baskets... mattresses, boxes, dress up, feelings
oh lordy that sounds frivolous
sometimes, why do i try.... i want pizza
guess letting myself hurt sometimes
can almost be good... i feel something now
i almost forgot what it was like
to have something sweep over you
take over your body
being out of your own control and in the control of the intangible
scary
but maybe
progress
Sunday, March 8, 2009
1000 journals
"we were all creative people at one point of our lives, now we go to work [or school] and sit in traffic... what happened?"
breaking in
so many things remind me of "that time"
you know, the time when _________
(you fill in the blank)
lines on the freeway
dark hills up ahead
that painting
the smell of smoke
he writes like you
but not what you would write
edited so long ago
when i tie a bow in my hair
or lay down absorbing the sun
remembering
notes
choices
days spent on the couches
oh to live, i remember
that time... constant reminders
"i'm getting rid of everything i own,
want some goggles or a party hat?"
certain glasses
bathrooms
board games
free minds
your singing again
lost times
living for now or whatever we find
oh what is to live
Thursday, March 5, 2009
half-cut
to be near the half-cut smiles
so much truth
so many decisions
made
as to the state
of mind.
but not me
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
the good 'ol days are today, i learned
sometimes we like to think back on "when it was so good"
but you know what,
right now can be just as good,
if we let it,
now,
lets let it be great!
warmer
recently i've been writing in short, and i think this one is going to be slightly more lengthy
tonight my faith in something higher was restored or at least revitalized
thanks to something that weekly i'm finding amazing
something that's seeming to speak volumes into my life
and making me want to try.... for something
1 corinthians 6:19-20
i feel silly putting a bible verse
but look at it
as for me, i am not my own
i need to remember that
and now, i want to. (remember)
also tonight
i stung a little
but i dulled the sting and then turned it into joy and laughter and dancing
i thank my friends
that notice
and care
thank you
.........
i noticed God there
naked souls lead me to joy
rejuvenation
Sunday, March 1, 2009
notes
i want to write notes
but i don't have my little yellow paper anymore
i'm afraid you might not know it's me...
you said you kept the last one
but you said a lot of things
that you didn't actually mean
put your mind away
all of the dancing
didn't melt sadness like him
he would fill the room
book filled with stories
mysterious times to come
my anchor ain't here
put on your disguise
smile like there is no wrong
with breaking heart chords
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