my slightly enraged letter to you tonight

your smile goes down

instead of up

you think that you can fool with your falsified joy

with your falsified closeness

with you fake

whiskey laden

smooth sounding

velvety rough words

no

i've found you out

you think i'm a fool

but i've found you out

i see you playing pretend

in all the worst ways you play

you play with your toys and you get bored with your toys and you go get new toys and you forget it's me that was your toy

more you forget what pretending is supposed to be

pretending isn't to smile upside down and trick people

pretending is finding magic castles and secret hidden stories,

it's for the childlike and for the children

not for the scoundrels and the liars and the scum

it's finding our youth once again

so get the fucking backwards smile off your face and face the things that aren't in your fake world, things that don't bend to your seemingly gross will things that will challenge you and force you to grow

don't stop growing

don't stop learning,

you're better than that

i know it

and that's just coming from me

one that was once just a toy

eventually

i'm afraid to look at something beautiful for too long

i'm afraid that all the beautiful things will eventually make me sad

.

they want to talk like home is some remembrance for the future

snapping songs through eyes like they're real

when their boots know they'll sleep unkindly

as whiskey just drinks

and we don'

t

on occasion

sometimes i'm too much of a sob story for my own good

haikus express

reality stops

when i pick up that bottle

i drown and escape

for a moment felt

such closeness and light

shattered in time's grip

i cling to your lies

they are what keeps me afloat

my heart sobs in pain

if you knew my hurt

maybe not so complacent

please bleed as i do

circulatory

veins pump torment through my soul

father please hold me

haikus limit me

but they are the only way

to show what you've caused

yes i see your fear

oh, i see you trembling

i relish in it

boots

sometimes you just have to let yourself

sink

because

when you let everything hurt

incapacitate mutilate wrench bruise and lacerate

it's impossible to stay afloat anyways.

and tomorrow i'll pretend

i'm floating

from the bottom

shedding

i feel like a snake, that has just shed it's skin
new
vulnerable
and as if i've shed something tangible...
probably some inhibition