they're gone 

to the south and to the north and then later some east 

all packed up 

intellectualism and sleep goes great with their whiskey and racket 

rolling away

for the thrill

nausea

so much
so fast
blurry
color
trust
too much
i get sick
too easy
fear? naw
typical
on my part
writing
to throw up
this is me
throwing up
whatever
dismiss
see you next
i have work to do
don't trip
i mean do
i mean

"no longer easy on the eyes"

they're leaving 

and don't notice 

they're forgetting 

me

till they come back 

or remember 

i'll stay and hope, it was a accident   

this is not pretty or thought out

i came home to the smell of cookies baking, 

after a stressful day, there's almost nothing better 

gooey and delicious, oh gosh, 

i ate 4.... ok 5..... alright fine 6.  

and with each bite melted away my stressful day 

and night to come 

oh i'm not going to sleep tonight 

but for now, maddie's playing softly and i can't ask for anything more lovely, or relaxing 

and i had some cookies 

so i'm smiling amidst the everything 

i'm going to go to the library, i hate it there

stark white walls and scowls.

my weekend was almost worth saying it was great 

except for situation i'd rather not be in 

some people don't think. 

no i don't want to be across the table from you while you're on a date... with one of my friends (i thought we talked about this, she said she wouldn't.... typical) 

you think that'd be common sense right 

hmm well it's not, 

not for anyone but ME apparently

and i didn't get to see some people i really wanted to and haven't in over a week, new friends missed. 

breathe hannah breathe... 

i have maddie's songs and cookies to keep me company 

hide

matresses, boxes, progress

feeling incomplete 

like there's something out there that everyone else gets 

and i missed it 

i was probably late the day they told everyone 

i was busy 

getting good at nothing tangible 

nothing worth taking note of 

[oh i'm goin places right?]

and playing dress up with all the frills 

that's where i was

when everyone else was learning how it works 

how not to cry 

how to let yourself feel

so it doesn't build up until it's too much

and you just sink into your mattress 

swallowed by everything you were holding in a little box in the back 

that box wasn't as much of a fail safe way to deal as was thought 

that was the day that everyone learned how to wait to touch 

and how to put your eggs in a couple of baskets instead of one

one that screws you over 

how to make friends and not be afraid 

of people 

stupid baskets... mattresses, boxes, dress up, feelings 

oh lordy that sounds frivolous 

sometimes, why do i try.... i want pizza  

guess letting myself hurt sometimes 

can almost be good... i feel something now 

i almost forgot what it was like 

to have something sweep over you 

take over your body 

being out of your own control and in the control of the intangible 

scary 

but maybe 

progress 

1000 journals

"we were all creative people at one point of our lives, now we go to work [or school] and sit in traffic... what happened?"