today i woke up to chris yu jumping on me. then he and brooke left for bike training. i've recently moved out of the house it's so much better now
after they left i took off my clothes, had a cigarette, and started listening to those stupid, hopeful, romantic, whiny love songs. i think all these guys are full of shit. they act like they care, but it's all a big facade. they know what to say they never really care, you only think that they do. "hold your breath, tonight will be the night that i fall for you, i won't live to see another day, because a girl like you's impossible to find..." ha hope she didn't hold her breath because she'd be dead by now. sorry to be cynical, actually i'm not sorry. sorry i said i was sorry when i didn't mean it. they only want you around as temporary filler like the toothpaste you stick in the holes in the walls i wish i didn't feel this way i wish i was still hopeful that someday someone would sweep me off my feet and be my prince charming but that's not gonna happen nope someone prove my cynical sentiments wrong, please humans are incapable of true love. we can only exhibit what we think is love but all it really is is some long drawn out infatuation or lust real, pure love can only come from God, so why do we even try. i'm gonna go drink soy milk drown myself in that blue carton, always the best option ps don't call me sweetheart if you don't really mean it and you don't so don't
i might not feel this way later, today even, but for now, i'm pessimistic
yesterday i: -"dropped it" so hard that i ripped my pencil skirt -wore a paper plate on my face as a mask
today i: -spilled a whole glass of soy milk all over me -laughed out loud at a text while sitting alone, and was caught -accidentally sprayed myself in the face with the hose while trying to water the garden -locked myself in my bathroom
i just noticed that one of my fish has died her name was pearl i'm actually a bit shaken up & i'm afraid to fish her out of the bowl it's too weird looking at her poor thing she was beautiful even if she was just a silly goldfish, with a huge belly, that waddled she was beautiful in her own little way the way she wasn't solid orange but had little which polka dot and her big black eyes like little oil droplets the other fish don't even notice sometimes i think it would be nice to be a gold fish death isn't sad, you just go long with your life but at the same time they live a forgotten life not only one that people forget but one that they do as well and where would we be without our memories and experiences they are what make us who we are right this very second i take back my comment about wanting to be a goldfish i want a cigarette now i don't have any i'll just have a glass of soy milk and read interview with the vampire yum
my name is hannah this seemed like a good idea but then again, most things seem like a good idea at 4:00am i don't really know what to do...i guess i'll just spit me onto this, me...rambling: i have issues, but doesn't everyone? i'm not trying to find myself but create myself. one day at a time.
for some reason, i feel as i've never been so lucid. everything looks so different at 4:00 in the morning not only around me, but also in my head everything is illuminated and visible like when you're in a new town and you notice everything, things that you later find yourself overlooking as you become accustomed to them i wish i could always feel this way. i feel like a snake, that has just shed it's skin new vulnerable and as if i've shed something probably some inhibition, since i need sleep
i tend to be a people pleaser, usually & that can get my into trouble & confuse who i am sometimes
i'm trying to learn to surrender but it's hard, when i'd rather be in control --i tend to morph--
