in case of amnesia

lies in the making

2011-03-19T20:32:00.000-07:00

i used to work in.

i had my little studio that was hiding in a dark corner,

to hide all of my dark corners.

i hid and i made myself over and over and over again.

i made and i dripped and i scrubbed and you did not know where i was.

you did not know where i was.

you did not know because i was hiding,

i was hiding in my dark corner

making myself

i see god

2011-03-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

dream of life, in a giant bubble

leaving

2011-03-19T20:03:00.000-07:00

i know that i'm thinking four steps ahead; and i know that you're thinking three behind me. i know that you loved me once; and i know that, it was too much but then it wasn't enough. you shattered me to a fine powder, undistinguishable. you scattered what was left in the rain with your bare feet; leaving me a mucky washed away, sad excuse for a paste. you stopped when i had only begun; but i burned you. i rose up and turned what was left of your memory into ash, nothing more then what's at the bottom of a fireplace or the foundation of a house fire. you crackled under my feet and smeared the concrete black with your ruddy remnants. leaving nothing more than a gross stain; because that's what you left, a gross stain; but don't worry baby, i'm scrubbin, just wait, soon you'll be gone.

my slightly enraged letter to you tonight

2011-02-01T01:19:00.000-08:00

your smile goes down

instead of up

you think that you can fool with your falsified joy

with your falsified closeness

with you fake

whiskey laden

smooth sounding

velvety rough words

i've found you out

you think i'm a fool

but i've found you out

i see you playing pretend

in all the worst ways you play

you play with your toys and you get bored with your toys and you go get new toys and you forget it's me that was your toy

more you forget what pretending is supposed to be

pretending isn't to smile upside down and trick people

pretending is finding magic castles and secret hidden stories,

it's for the childlike and for the children

not for the scoundrels and the liars and the scum

it's finding our youth once again

so get the fucking backwards smile off your face and face the things that aren't in your fake world, things that don't bend to your seemingly gross will things that will challenge you and force you to grow

don't stop growing

don't stop learning,

you're better than that

i know it

and that's just coming from me

one that was once just a toy

eventually

2011-01-27T01:09:00.000-08:00

i'm afraid to look at something beautiful for too long

i'm afraid that all the beautiful things will eventually make me sad

.

2011-01-24T21:59:00.000-08:00

they want to talk like home is some remembrance for the future

snapping songs through eyes like they're real

when their boots know they'll sleep unkindly

as whiskey just drinks

and we don'

on occasion

2010-10-14T10:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes i'm too much of a sob story for my own good

haikus express

2010-10-12T14:28:00.000-07:00

reality stops

when i pick up that bottle

i drown and escape

for a moment felt

such closeness and light

shattered in time's grip

i cling to your lies

they are what keeps me afloat

my heart sobs in pain

if you knew my hurt

maybe not so complacent

please bleed as i do

circulatory

veins pump torment through my soul

father please hold me

haikus limit me

but they are the only way

to show what you've caused

yes i see your fear

oh, i see you trembling

i relish in it

boots

2010-09-22T00:55:00.000-07:00

sometimes you just have to let yourself

sink

because

when you let everything hurt

incapacitate mutilate wrench bruise and lacerate

it's impossible to stay afloat anyways.

and tomorrow i'll pretend

i'm floating

from the bottom

shedding

2010-07-24T13:57:00.000-07:00

i feel like a snake, that has just shed it's skin
new
vulnerable
and as if i've shed something tangible...
probably some inhibition

getting me by

2010-07-18T01:45:00.000-07:00

licorice root
spearmint leaf
chamomile flower
skullcap leaf
cardamom seed
cinnamon bark
st. john's wort leaf
and flower
rose hip
orange peel
raspberry leaf
valerian root
english lavender flower
stevia leaf
passion flower
let steep

unreal reality composed of uselessness and frivolity

2010-05-28T02:58:00.000-07:00

i want to talk about pain and confusion and heartache, you know the kind where it sinks and even hurts in your stomach, and i want to talk about dropping bombs and all these songs that keep my boots on. (the heavy kind of boots) i want to talk about icky thump and neutral milk, rediscovery, warped vinyls like bowls, useless bowls. i want to talk about how any strength of feeling was stolen from me, and i want to create without fear. i want to let go i want a picnic and i want to day dream about listening to music while laying and wasting summer days to come and the subsequent nights that will burn my brain with memories and thoughts like my tattered quilt.

i want to, but i don't
i want to but it's all too surreal
all too unreal, all too much apart of a brutal reality...
i want to but-- it would just be white noise

soup

2010-05-24T13:50:00.000-07:00

sinus medicine

2010-05-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

but my heart is actually beating like a metronome
and if this is my body agreeing with this song,
i want it to be a fleeting counterfeit imitation
is this my heart literally telling me that this is what it wants for once... and it chooses this.
i feel defeated....
trivial and trite
a confusion of colors that bleed through my skin like
i think i can see it squeezing through my forearm right now,
i'm watching
so is he
he is of no consequence because he's on paper
and doesn't know he's watching
red felt tip pen i'd imagine.
maybe it's just the fact that i can't breathe
maybe it's the contents of my stomach burning my throat, making a tempest of my insides
or maybe i really am just slowly going crazy
that's what they keep telling me
that i'm going crazy, one struggled breath at a time
or maybe it's just the fact that i can't breathe
i think i said that one twice... yup, i did. i'm going crazy i t h i n k i ' v e l o s t i t

this is stupid, i wouldn't bother

2010-05-01T19:29:00.001-07:00

i can't help but think of how pithy i can be.
pithy and absent-minded and selfish, it's disgusting.
all i can figure out now is that i don't know anything at all.
really, nothing.
except for maybe basic arithmetic,
and even then i question. 2 plus 2... who even invented the word "plus?" simply a silly sound that we assign meaning to.
these words may as well be nonsense you see, because just because they mean something to me, does not mean anything more than that; and if they happen to mean something to someone else, it's probably not what they mean to me because their experiences and past with these things being said and also the things not influence how they hear and receive whatever this message in question is. so what's the point in even trying? you know. if what we say isn't what is heard and if it's not what is heard, why do we keep trying?

up to the brim

2010-04-27T00:17:00.000-07:00

ribbons--

yes ribbons, that's what it looked like

blue ribbons.

ephemeral ribbons

lying on my back in the itchy grass, with four others watching the ribbons drift up from the burning end.

you know when the sun is setting (or rising i guess that would work too it's just that its setting right now you know) just at the right spot on the horizon, it looks like ribbons.

it makes me think of-- um-- high school. that's what it is... high school...

that's a treacherous thought.

peace reminding me of carnage is what it feels like. it almost makes me laugh.

but i don't because i think everyone would be confused if i tried to explain it.

standard, for me at least.

you know you're stories are bad when you have to tell people that they are over.

i don't know why i'm rambling on, this futile piece of information. i don't know at all.

so cigarettes

high school

carnage

and aimless narrating

essentially

well

never mind.

lame

2010-04-09T01:33:00.001-07:00

i fear my own more recently discovered disillusioned thoughts have unclouded my skewed thought processes. i fear that these new thoughts bemuse me when my intentions have been blindly guided seemingly improperly thus far, and i discover now that they are all but unequivocally imprecise. the vacuity is embarrassing.

just in case

2010-02-23T10:47:00.001-08:00

Fifteen men on a dead man's chest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
Drink and the devil had done for the rest
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.
The mate was fixed by the bosun's pike
The bosun brained with a marlinspike
And cookey's throat was marked belike
It had been gripped by fingers ten;
And there they lay, all good dead men
Like break o'day in a boozing ken
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum.

i am rosaline

2009-10-27T08:38:00.000-07:00

i stare at the clouds and the sun
but mostly the stars
because i am only a moon,
if she is the sun.

sometimes

2009-10-21T01:58:00.000-07:00

adorable epilepsy

pennies and bears

2009-10-13T03:16:00.000-07:00

walking alone from the home i remember

pile of pennies

two years last september

surrounded by friends

it used to be our time

now viral repeated's

the least of our new crimes

i remember when one sip was such a rebellion

now we drink the ocean

hope our lack of devotion

won't put us in coffins alone

alternately could have been (did i kill you)

2009-05-07T14:30:00.000-07:00

you were a peace offering

hope for a future

not the future (i devastated)

but the deja'vu i grasped at

jointly confused and at wits over you through

innuendo consumed conversation.

you were hope,

living, breathing, colorful hope

now--

i have to watch you die

don't know you

2009-04-23T11:38:00.000-07:00

aspartame words

unknown to me,

the sound tastes like smooth and rich

diction has no weight

but intention of those words

how they. hit me so good.

you hold back

your

blood and coal and clean cut deep

there was a star on her tooth too

2009-04-03T21:49:00.000-07:00

i sit here surrounded

unable to talk

as the woman (?) sitting next to me tells me through her four, spaced out gold capped front teeth, about how she's had four strokes, hates flying, and continues to elbow me in the side

i don't say anything, because it hurts

pizza talk

2009-04-02T18:04:00.000-07:00

we don't have to talk

whiskey and goldfish

you in cabins with fires

that's not bad

though this is featureless

"i'm glad i met you"

i'm sure i caused trouble

unworldly times we try not to leave behind

lucky strike on a sweet neck

don't stop moving

held close

to that santa and ledge

i think of this now

in your absence

someone said...

2009-03-31T21:25:00.000-07:00

"that girl is the only reason anyone does anything anymore"

smile

not a fairy tale

2009-03-20T00:39:00.000-07:00

late, or early

i'll bring the scissors

you bring the heat

they'll be only our eyes, so

they'll be no puppeteer

because we don't have strings

you're a real boy

2009-03-13T17:43:00.000-07:00

they're gone

to the south and to the north and then later some east

all packed up

intellectualism and sleep goes great with their whiskey and racket

rolling away

for the thrill

nausea

2009-03-10T15:48:00.000-07:00

so much
so fast
blurry
color
trust
too much
i get sick
too easy
fear? naw
typical
on my part
writing
to throw up
this is me
throwing up
whatever
dismiss
see you next
i have work to do
don't trip
i mean do
i mean

"no longer easy on the eyes"

2009-03-09T21:42:00.000-07:00

they're leaving

and don't notice

they're forgetting

till they come back

or remember

i'll stay and hope, it was a accident

this is not pretty or thought out

2009-03-09T21:19:00.000-07:00

i came home to the smell of cookies baking,

after a stressful day, there's almost nothing better

gooey and delicious, oh gosh,

i ate 4.... ok 5..... alright fine 6.

and with each bite melted away my stressful day

and night to come

oh i'm not going to sleep tonight

but for now, maddie's playing softly and i can't ask for anything more lovely, or relaxing

and i had some cookies

so i'm smiling amidst the everything

i'm going to go to the library, i hate it there

stark white walls and scowls.

my weekend was almost worth saying it was great

except for situation i'd rather not be in

some people don't think.

no i don't want to be across the table from you while you're on a date... with one of my friends (i thought we talked about this, she said she wouldn't.... typical)

you think that'd be common sense right

hmm well it's not,

not for anyone but ME apparently

and i didn't get to see some people i really wanted to and haven't in over a week, new friends missed.

breathe hannah breathe...

i have maddie's songs and cookies to keep me company

hide

2009-03-09T03:08:00.000-07:00

matresses, boxes, progress

2009-03-09T02:48:00.001-07:00

feeling incomplete

like there's something out there that everyone else gets

and i missed it

i was probably late the day they told everyone

i was busy

getting good at nothing tangible

nothing worth taking note of

[oh i'm goin places right?]

and playing dress up with all the frills

that's where i was

when everyone else was learning how it works

how not to cry

how to let yourself feel

so it doesn't build up until it's too much

and you just sink into your mattress

swallowed by everything you were holding in a little box in the back

that box wasn't as much of a fail safe way to deal as was thought

that was the day that everyone learned how to wait to touch

and how to put your eggs in a couple of baskets instead of one

one that screws you over

how to make friends and not be afraid

of people

stupid baskets... mattresses, boxes, dress up, feelings

oh lordy that sounds frivolous

sometimes, why do i try.... i want pizza

guess letting myself hurt sometimes

can almost be good... i feel something now

i almost forgot what it was like

to have something sweep over you

take over your body

being out of your own control and in the control of the intangible

scary

but maybe

progress

1000 journals

2009-03-08T18:22:00.001-07:00

"we were all creative people at one point of our lives, now we go to work [or school] and sit in traffic... what happened?"

breaking in

2009-03-08T16:57:00.000-07:00

so many things remind me of "that time"

you know, the time when _________

(you fill in the blank)

lines on the freeway

dark hills up ahead

that painting

the smell of smoke

he writes like you

but not what you would write

edited so long ago

when i tie a bow in my hair

or lay down absorbing the sun

remembering

notes

choices

days spent on the couches

oh to live, i remember

that time... constant reminders

"i'm getting rid of everything i own,

want some goggles or a party hat?"

certain glasses

bathrooms

board games

free minds

your singing again

lost times

living for now or whatever we find

oh what is to live

half-cut

2009-03-05T02:19:00.001-08:00

to be near the half-cut smiles

so much truth

so many decisions

made

as to the state

of mind.

but not me

the good 'ol days are today, i learned

2009-03-03T04:32:00.001-08:00

sometimes we like to think back on "when it was so good"

but you know what,

right now can be just as good,

if we let it,

now,

lets let it be great!

warmer

2009-03-03T04:13:00.000-08:00

recently i've been writing in short, and i think this one is going to be slightly more lengthy

tonight my faith in something higher was restored or at least revitalized

thanks to something that weekly i'm finding amazing

something that's seeming to speak volumes into my life

and making me want to try.... for something

1 corinthians 6:19-20

i feel silly putting a bible verse

but look at it

as for me, i am not my own

i need to remember that

and now, i want to. (remember)

also tonight

i stung a little

but i dulled the sting and then turned it into joy and laughter and dancing

i thank my friends

that notice

and care

thank you

.........

i noticed God there

naked souls lead me to joy

rejuvenation

notes

2009-03-01T20:08:00.001-08:00

i want to write notes

but i don't have my little yellow paper anymore

i'm afraid you might not know it's me...

you said you kept the last one

but you said a lot of things

that you didn't actually mean

put your mind away

2009-03-01T18:13:00.001-08:00

all of the dancing

didn't melt sadness like him

he would fill the room

book filled with stories

mysterious times to come

my anchor ain't here

put on your disguise

smile like there is no wrong

with breaking heart chords

a dismal thought

2009-03-01T01:02:00.000-08:00

if you don't let yourself feel

then nothing hurts

please be strong

2009-02-25T01:21:00.000-08:00

you're small

what i have to offer is heavy

but maybe

you're actually, very big

in her stupor

2009-02-25T00:35:00.000-08:00

i feel like i don't want to burden you with anything

but i come with a lot of things

i come with heavy boots

and i can't do this alone

sideways

2009-02-24T01:19:00.001-08:00

how can you pretend not to see

someone who used to trust you so much

you looked away

i'm not stupid, you know...

__________

2009-02-22T03:53:00.000-08:00

tonight... i didn't

people

2009-02-21T17:16:00.000-08:00

i've been realizing

people aren't so bad, sometimes

aren't so scary

not like i thought

if you open yourself to being pleasant

and not acting scared and quiet

(because then they think you're a bitch)

they'll reciprocate

it's nice,

frightening,

but nice.

fuming, seething, livid, vexed

2009-02-21T08:26:00.000-08:00

i have fury deep in my chest

i feel it burning

and i want to scream

what a morning

what a terribly disgusting morning

cyclical

2009-02-19T00:54:00.000-08:00

i keep hearing the same thing
from him and from her
here and there
and then i see the same thing too
and it breaks me
every time
it breaks me
and i keep it up
i think i'm kind of shattered
pick it up,
i've made a mess
please,
because when i try it hurts my fingers
and i'm out of band aids

i'm in the library

2009-02-18T16:01:00.000-08:00

i still think of you

two minutes of your time

2009-02-18T15:49:00.000-08:00

you were nice
i made my heart warm
i want to kiss you
(because that might change your mind)
next time i see you, i'd be great if you were mean,
it makes getting over you easier

you're a giant

2009-02-18T15:21:00.001-08:00

to me, you are 10 feet tall

because in my world height is based on
integrity
kind-heartedness
honor
trustworthiness

yes, you are 10 feet tall

humanity

2009-02-18T02:57:00.000-08:00

i have some friends

and they have names

but right now, those are irrelevant

because right now, they're so much more than just a name

they're my hope

my laughter

they're long talks that remind me that i'm not alone

they're cigarettes shared in sanctuary

they're a blessing, an assurance

they are

my faith in humanity

kitchen utensils... dance tools

2009-02-12T00:35:00.000-08:00

we dance with spoons and spatulas

forks and whisks and tongs

we use then for their real purpose,

because we know what they're really for

laughs and smiles and unnecessarily profane songs

that's why they're in our kitchen

that's why they're in our hands

right where they belong

with free spirited dancing

and inhibition-less times that we spend together

making the dumbest memories

that are so great they'll last forever

(that last line sounded really cliche,

but cliche's have gotta come from some truth i take it)

nails scratching my throat...

2009-02-03T03:01:00.000-08:00

that's right,

i have the sniffles

but it's worse than that

because i also have the aches and fever and yada yada bing

i gots the whole deal

no cuttin corners when it comes to hannah's sickness,

but for now, i have a smile

one that may be frequently interrupted by a cough or 7

but it's there

thank you for giving me a chance, i'm trying

it's good to be at peace with ones you love

especially when they're ones you live with as well... i think

now, to my friends on the horizon

that are drifting away...they may be cause for sadness

but i've done what i can there, and though it's sad i can do no more, i think

and i have what i have

that's all i can say

and with that, there's a bit of a smile

to you, lets be friends

2009-02-02T00:57:00.000-08:00

not you sir,

but you little lady,

you don't know it but

your words help keep up afloat

they sing to my heart

and i want to be closer to you

lets be friends

yes?

i think that could be good for the both of us

we could talk

and have picnics

i'll tell you about the nothing of mine and you tell me of the something of yours

and we can play

whoa this is gonna be good

i can feel it

because you make me smile

always smiles

you are too kind

lets be friends

yes?

to whom it may concern... no one

2009-02-02T00:45:00.000-08:00

quien es ella

self condemnation will get me nowhere

2009-02-02T00:04:00.000-08:00

you came with scissors

and later left

but you'll come back

and, i'll let you in

yes, all the way in

even though you come with scissors

mistakes i know all too well

2009-02-01T22:36:00.000-08:00

tears

pouring out of eyes like there is an endless well somewhere, hidden where i cannot see

pain

every single drop falling so fast for it is weighed down with heartache,

heartache

so strong that every drop of hers that collides with my skin makes me flinch

i can almost physically feel it, taste it, because i can see it

words escape me

for,

when i make the same mistakes as you

who am i to give advice?

i can only relate... and touch to console

who am i to give advice?

sing me a song

2009-01-30T02:20:00.000-08:00

(many societies understand family through other concepts than genetics)

we all live together

making music through our lives

every action ringing, shattering the silence of monotony

oh, here life is never mundane, but interesting, twisted and bright

each of us with our own song

each of us with our own fight

so sing me a song

pick up that guitar

and tiny harmonica

turn on the organ and whistle along

we'll act like we're great,

cus when we're together, we're great,

sing me the song of our lives

(i am home

goodnight, brother,

i am home)

crossed

2009-01-22T00:20:00.002-08:00

her words crossed my vision

and he told of it too

not to me, the world, but i'm apart of that so i heard

and then him, he's effortless

but for more

i get word in convenience

only sometimes...

not usually

remembered

because quickly warmth is forgotten

leaving the amity flawed

still there are the pictures captured in whispers

smiles and smirks

but not observed

i notice it's when obvious

only when most eyes are closed

only when predicted and convenient

only when best noted, by none

i grow up

2009-01-20T18:58:00.000-08:00

i have a fish

named fishy

so original, i know

what am i, five years old?

something like that, sometimes...

then night comes along

and i grow up.

older than five,

older than i am, really

awkward and lovely

2008-07-19T14:04:00.000-07:00

you know those days...
where nothing matters
everything that happens feels so surreal
when you don't go through the motions, because there are none
when it feels like you're a spectator
like nothing is actually happening to you
you're just watching
so you're invincible
possibilities
the world is on your fingertips
so you stare at it because you've nothing better to do
the days when you find beauty in the simplest things
things you overlooked entirely before
your senses seem heightened
because every song has glorious new beauty
you can almost taste the notes it seems so lush
and food is exquisite, even the simplest
awkward and lovely these days are...
i've had one of those days today
i wish it was endless
appreciate the simple

soy milk and cynicism

2008-06-28T12:45:00.000-07:00

today i woke up to chris yu jumping on me.
then he and brooke left for bike training.
i've recently moved out of the house
it's so much better now

after they left i took off my clothes,
had a cigarette,
and started listening to those stupid, hopeful, romantic, whiny
love songs.
i think all these guys are full of shit.
they act like they care,
but it's all a big facade.
they know what to say
they never really care, you only think that they do.
"hold your breath,
tonight will be the night that i fall for you,
i won't live to see another day,
because a girl like you's impossible to find..."
ha
hope she didn't hold her breath because she'd be dead by now.
sorry to be cynical,
actually i'm not sorry.
sorry i said i was sorry when i didn't mean it.
they only want you around as temporary filler
like the toothpaste you stick in the holes in the walls
i wish i didn't feel this way
i wish i was still hopeful that someday someone would sweep me off my feet
and be my prince charming
but that's not gonna happen
nope
someone prove my cynical sentiments wrong,
please
humans are incapable of true love.
we can only exhibit what we think is love
but all it really is is some long drawn out infatuation or lust
real, pure love can only come from God, so why do we even try.
i'm gonna go drink soy milk
drown myself in that blue carton, always the best option
ps don't call me sweetheart if you don't really mean it
and you don't
so don't

i might not feel this way later, today even, but for now, i'm pessimistic

i tend to make a fool of myself

2008-06-18T04:40:00.001-07:00

yesterday i:
-"dropped it" so hard that i ripped my pencil skirt
-wore a paper plate on my face as a mask

today i:
-spilled a whole glass of soy milk all over me
-laughed out loud at a text while sitting alone, and was caught
-accidentally sprayed myself in the face with the hose while trying to water the garden
-locked myself in my bathroom

pearl

2008-06-18T04:27:00.000-07:00

i just noticed that one of my fish has died
her name was pearl
i'm actually a bit shaken up
& i'm afraid to fish her out of the bowl
it's too weird looking at her
poor thing
she was beautiful
even if she was just a silly goldfish, with a huge belly, that waddled
she was beautiful in her own little way
the way she wasn't solid orange but had little which polka dot
and her big black eyes like little oil droplets
the other fish don't even notice
sometimes i think it would be nice to be a gold fish
death isn't sad, you just go long with your life
but at the same time
they live a forgotten life
not only one that people forget
but one that they do as well
and where would we be without our memories and experiences
they are what make us who we are right this very second
i take back my comment about wanting to be a goldfish
i want a cigarette now
i don't have any
i'll just have a glass of soy milk
and read interview with the vampire
yum

me...rambling

2008-06-18T04:16:00.000-07:00

my name is hannah
this seemed like a good idea
but then again, most things seem like a good idea at 4:00am
i don't really know what to do...i guess i'll just spit me onto this,
me...rambling:
i have issues, but doesn't everyone?
i'm not trying to find myself
but create myself. one day at a time.

for some reason, i feel as i've never been so lucid.
everything looks so different at 4:00 in the morning
not only around me, but also in my head
everything is illuminated and visible
like when you're in a new town
and you notice everything,
things that you later find yourself overlooking as you become accustomed to them
i wish i could always feel this way.
i feel like a snake, that has just shed it's skin
new
vulnerable
and as if i've shed something
probably some inhibition, since i need sleep

i tend to be a people pleaser, usually
& that can get my into trouble
& confuse who i am sometimes

i'm trying to learn to surrender
but it's hard, when i'd rather be in control
--i tend to morph--